your parents love me but you hate me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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