ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
