P.S. I can't hear my feet
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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