just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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