If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Drunk is not a location!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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