1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
