I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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