I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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