I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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