Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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