Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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