so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
