i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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