I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
