I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
