i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
