I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
