Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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