Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
