Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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