Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
