Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
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