I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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