What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My vagina is officially offended.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
