we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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