Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
