hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
