I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
