burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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