I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
