I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
