i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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