her vagina looked like bernie madoff
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
