if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
