Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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