I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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