Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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