at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
