I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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