she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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