tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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