you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
