What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
