The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
