Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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