as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
