i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
