found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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