Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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