Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
