I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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