got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
