yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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