Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
