saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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