Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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