I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
