I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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