I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
