You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
